This is it

It's really now or never.
This year I turned 40. The age my mother was when she intentionally ended her life. She was ill, but above all, she was unhappy. I don't recall her ever being truly happy or satisfied with anything.
I can't even comprehend her thinking. I have to remind myself that she was sick and that's that. I'm nowhere near being finished with life. In fact, I am finally ready to embrace it. I need my health and my body to keep up with my mind. I started this journal to keep track of my journey to a better, healthier me.
First and foremost, I am a Foodie. I'm not a fan of sweets very often, but I love meat, potatoes, cheeses, breads... Sigh. Real food with taste and substance. Those are my loves.

I love to cook. I love cooking for others. I don't skimp on ingredients, and can't stand processed foods.
I eat too much and exercise, never. I was the girl in gym class that had an excuse not to participate as often as possible. I wish I hadn't been that girl. I wish I could say, "I like to exercise." but I can't. I can say, "I like how I feel after I exercise." But getting going is the hardest, lowest priority in my life. Why?
Why?
I bought shoes to walk in on Mothers day this year. They are still in the box in the closet. Out of sight out of mind, but not really... I feel guilty for buying them because they sit unused, wasted money that we don't have to waste.
Am I wasting time? Yes. I'm 40 now. Half of my life is over. I've spent that half self conscious, and uncomfortable, in clothes that I wouldn't have chose if I really could have made the choice.

I have a teen-aged daughter. She is stunningly beautiful. But she is a well proportioned, size large girl, with self conscious issues way more extreme than mine ever were. I constantly tell her she is beautiful, encourage her to love herself and point out all her qualities that far out shine her size.
It does no good. I'm just as guilty of her same worries. It shows.

I've been thinking of ways I could make myself accountable.
I've been able to make commitments to various projects this year without allowing anything else to deter me. Why not do the same thing for my health? I mentioned my idea of this journal to my husband yesterday and he was immediately on board.

Tonight was it. A last hurrah? HA! After an afternoon of baking great sweets for my family, I cooked an absolutely terrible dinner... horrible processed oily, hot dogs, mac&cheese, french fries, (fried in oil. ugh) and white corn. I felt guilty there was nothing green on our plates.

We both felt miserable after eating it. I feel even more guilty after seeing this in the pot when I went to clean up.

Why did we eat it? How did it get into our house? Seriously, we fed it to our kids!

I admit I love mac & cheese. It's the only really processed thing I will put in the grocery cart. Shame on me.

My husband does 95% of the grocery shopping. He loves to do it, he makes friends with the people that work in the store and likes to go there to unwind or get away from a rough day. In short, He emo shops. Comes home with bag after bag packed with soda, chips, sugary cereals, hot dogs, candy, processed, chemically loaded crap.... I get pissed and try to promptly bite my tongue. Usually he already knows what I'm thinking and how I feel and is ready to explain it all.
I just don't want any of it here. period.
We are very different grocery shoppers. I'm not a social shopper. I go with a list, and a plan and get in and out quickly. He strolls all the isles, and chit chats, and is tempted with sales and bogos... I suggested to him on several occasions that we only shop the perimeter of the store where almost all the good for you things are. All of the processed crap is in the center of the store we should hardly ever need to go there.
When we go together it's great, we have fun and plan good delicious meals.

I feel guilty for complaining, after all he does all the shopping.


I'm a foodie. I can cook up a storm. I've been told my recipes should be on restaurant menus.
My kids are foodies. My 4 year old told her grandpa her own recipe for peanut butter pizza... My 3 older kids have all expressed an interest in the culinary field. We watch the cooking shows and try new exciting recipes often.

How do you successfully balance a weight loss journey loving food so much? I've asked myself millions of times. All my past attempts were short lived because I felt restricted. The very moment I'm told (even to myself) "you can't have that" I want it and I give in and get it. Or because weight loss success was rewarded with, more food! WHAT? seriously.

I'm a fan of Biggest Loser, watching every season. Feeling inspired and up-lifted with hope each episode, yet still not doing anything to change my own life. I cannot eat while BL is on, nor does it feel right to eat an unhealthy meal on BL nights! I feel guilty!

I've had cancer. I might still have it.... That should be reason enough.
I no longer have a thyroid. My struggle increased.


Things I know I can do that will slowly make a difference are

1. cook smaller meals (this is my struggle - cooking for 6x 2 each plus friends....)
   
2. eat smaller portions on smaller plates
   
3. Live by myself proclaimed motto, "food for fuel, not full"
   
4. eat slower, chew longer
5. no skipping meals
   
6. no food after 8pm. (I'd like this to be 7)
7. take my vitamins every day
8. drink more water
9. eat something green at least once a day
   
10. wear those walking shoes for their purpose

Those will be my top 10 ways to improve my health this week. It's 1 am now... I'll dig the shoes out tomorrow. Maybe I'll try them on again...